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© Micah Bazant, 2006

by Micah Bazant (updated from from TimTum: A Trans Jew Zine)

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I am using the word “trans” in the broadest sense, to include labels
like genderqueer, transgender and transsexual. This was originally
written from my own experience as a white transperson/ftm who is
perceived as both female and male. Of course, every trans person is
different, and would write this list differently. Also, some things,
which are totally inappropriate with strangers or acquaintances, may
be fine or welcomed in the context of a trusting relationship. I’m
sad to say that I’ve done most of the things on this list at some
point in my life, and had most of them done to me even by other
trans people. As with other forms of oppression, they are socialized
into us from birth. We are all taught to be transphobic, and
unlearning it is a process and a responsibility.

Pronouns & Self-Identification

Respect everyone’s self-identification. Call everyone by their
preferred name/s and pronoun/s. Use language and behavior that is
appropriate to their gender self-identification. Do this for
everyone, all the time, no matter how much you think they deviate
from what a “real man” or “real woman” should be.
What we truly know ourselves to be should be the only determinant of
our gender in society. Set aside your doubts, start educating
yourself and respect that we are who we say we are. By doing this
you are saying: “I see you, I support you, I respect you.” By not
doing this, you let trans people know: “I don’t understand you and
I’m not trying to. What you tell me about yourself is not important,
all that’s important is how I think of you. I am not your ally. You
are not safe with me.” Being referred to or treated as the wrong
gender feels painful and disrespectful to us.
It’s hard and dangerous to change your name and pronoun. Know that it
has taken a lot of courage for this person to let you know who they
really are; they are sharing something very precious. It may seem
hard or silly to you at first, but it can be a matter of life and
death for us.
If you don’t know what pronouns or gender-labels someone prefers (and
there’s no mutual friend around to clue you in), just ask them.
Politely. And respectfully. For example: “What pronoun do you
prefer?” or “How do you like to be referred to, in terms of gender?”
Usually when people can’t immediately determine someone’s gender,
they become afraid and hostile. If you misrecognize someone’s
gender, it’s okay, don’t freak out. Apologize once and get it right
the next time. Misidentifying or being unable to classify someone’s
gender does not have to be an awkward or shameful experience. By
asking someone in the right way, you can indirectly communicate: “I
want to be respectful of you and I don’t want to make any
assumptions. I see your gender ambiguity and/or fluid gender
expression as a positive, fabulous, creative and honest (need I
go on?) thing.”

Some transpeople are bravely making more space for gender diversity
by using language creatively. Respect these efforts and don’t
dismiss them as silly, funny, weird or too difficult. (Remember
Mahatma Ghandi’s words: “First they ignored us, then they laughed at
us, then they tried to fight us, then we won.”)
For example, some people prefer to be referred to as “they”, or as
both “he” and “she” interchangeably.
Some people prefer to be referred to only by their name. Some people
use non-binary pronouns like “ze” and “hir”.

Invasive Questions

Medical Information

You do NOT have the right to know any medical or anatomical
information about anyone else’s body, unless they decide to share it
with you. This means: don’t ask about their genitals, their
surgeries, the effects of their hormones, etc. This is private!

The first question usually asked to transpeople is, “Do you
have a penis?” or “Do you have a vagina?” Would you ask a non-trans
person about their genitals? To do so is incredibly invasive and
disrespectful. It reduces us to one body part, as if all the rest of
our minds, hearts, bodies, contributions and personalities are not
important. Our bodies are not a community forum, or a tool to
educate you!
Also, don’t ask us about our surgeries, medications, etc. If we want
you to know about something, we’ll bring it up. For example, just
because your friend-of-a-friend-of-a-transperson told you that
someone is having surgery, doesn’t mean you have a right to come up
and ask them about it (especially in front of other people).

Don’t ask us if we’ve had a sex change operation. Gender transition
doesn’t happen through one magic operation. And the operation you’re
thinking of probably involves transforming our genitals, which,
again, is reductive and disrespectful. Some of us never want to
have any surgeries. Some of us desperately want surgery and can’t
afford it or don’t have access to it. For a lot of female-to-male
transpeople the surgeries they would want don’t exist. Even if
you’re curious, don’t interrogate us. It’s not our job to educate
you and we may not feel like answering your incredibly personal
questions right now. Unless we bring it up, don’t ask us how our
gender is affecting our personal relationships. For example, if you
just met me, don’t ask me how my family is taking it.

If you want to find out more about trans bodies or our families,
educate yourself through books, websites, films, etc.

“Outing”

Trans people have a huge range of ways that we navigate the world,
based on preference and necessity. Transphobia functions very
differently than homophobia; being “out” is not necessarily
desirable or possible for us. Being a trans ally means supporting
people in being more safe and healthy – which may mean anything
between letting everyone they meet know they are trans,
to keeping their gender history entirely confidential. Its crucial
to support people in being as “out”, or not, as they need to be.
There are many situations in which being “out” could have serious
negative repercussions; transpeople are killed every year just
because other people find out they are trans. Revealing someone’s
trans status could cost them a job, a relationship, or their
physical safety.
Many transpeople are perceived 100% of the time as their preferred
gender, and no one would ever suspect they had been through a gender
transition at some point. Some of these folks prefer never to be
“out” as trans and, in fact, may not even consider
themselves “trans.” This is a completely valid choice among the
huge spectrum of gender diversity. If you know someone whose
trans experience is completely private, respect them by honoring
that privacy.
Some of us are most comfortable being “out” as trans all the time,
some of us may never reveal our trans status to anyone.
Do not assume that just because you know us in one way, that we are
able to, or choose to, live that way in every other part of our
lives. Some of us express our gender in different ways in different
parts of our lives. For example, we may not be able to find work as
the gender we truly are. Or we may only find peace by living some of
the time in a more masculine gender and some of the time as more
feminine.
For myself, even though I hate being called “she”, if someone refers
to me that way, I might or might not correct them depending on many
variables: whether I’m going to have to see them again, how confident
I feel, who I’m with, how much backup I have, etc. Think about when
and why you “out” someone as trans. Are you talking about
your “trans friend” just to prove how open and hip you are? Is it
necessary to out this person, or are you doing it for your own
personal reasons?

Names

Names are very powerful things. For a lot of trans people, the names
given to us by our parents represent a gender identity which was
wrong, humiliating and forced. Changing our names carries a lot more
weight than it does for non-trans people. Don’t ask someone what
their old name was. And don’t ask if our current names are
our “given names”, or worse yet, “real names.” If someone wants you
to know, they will tell you. If you know someone’s old name, don’t
share it with other people. Some transpeople go by multiple names,
because they are in transition, or because they prefer it that
way. Again, don’t trip about it. Just ask them what they prefer to be
called and then call them that, every time. It may seem strange to
you, but it’s completely normal for us.

Also, don’t make comments about the gender associations of trans
people’s names. This is especially annoying in a cross-cultural
context. A name that means (or sounds like) “Badass warrior king” in
one language, might mean (or sound like) “Nellie flower picker” in
another.
Don’t assume that you know what meanings or gender implications our
names have.

Transition

Don’t assume that our gender transitions are linear, one-way, or
start or end at a fixed point. For example, some intersex people
(who aren’t “born male” or “born female”) have trans experiences,
and may also identify as trans. Some transpeople, for example, may
express themselves as masculine, feminine and then back to
masculine. In an ideal world this would be no different than having
long hair, then short hair, then long again.
There are infinite ways to transition. Things like binding, packing,
tucking, electrolysis, hormones, surgery, or changing our name,
legal “sex” and pronoun, are some of the possible steps of a gender
transition.
Trans people have the right to make all, some or none of these
changes, and in any order.

Do not ask us if we are sure, or remind us that our transition is
irreversible and that we may regret our changes. Do not tell us we
are coming out as trans just to be “trendy”. We have usually been
thinking about and dealing with our gender issues for a long time,
although we may not have shared our years of internal torment with
you. We are aware of, and probably very excited about, the
consequences of our decisions.

Do not tell us how you liked us (or certain things about us) better
before we transitioned. There is a normal and healthy grieving
process that people go through around any major change, including
gender changes by people in our lives. It’s important to acknowledge
and deal with your feelings, but not with us. We are going through
enough stress, and we really just need your support.

Do not tell us how hard this is for you or how uncomfortable we make
you. However challenging it may feel to you, it’s much harder to
live as a transperson. Many many people become amazing trans allies
and effortlessly call all their trans friends by the right names and
pronouns. You can too, it’s really not that hard – it’s just a
different way of thinking about gender. If you are uncomfortable
with someone’s gender, find ways to work on it yourself or with
other, knowledgeable non-trans friends.

Passing and being passed

Don’t judge our ability to be seen as male or female. For example,
don’t say: “Maybe if you did______, or didn’t do _______, you’d pass
better, and we would be able to accept your gender better.” Also, it
is not always appropriate to compliment people on how well they
pass. Whether or not we are passed as the gender we prefer is often
a matter of money and genetics, not desire or determination. We are
not all seeking to pass in the same ways, for the same reasons, or
at all!
These comments are divisive to trans communities. They reinforce
straight, binary gender standards by labeling certain traits (and
people) as “good” and “real”.

(In this context, “passing” refers to trans people being perceived
as non-trans members of their correct gender category. While this is
a goal for most trans people, I think its important to stay aware of
the systemic power imbalance that is implicit in this term. I prefer
the term “being passed,” because it emphasizes the fact that trans
people do not have total control over how we are perceived, and that
the power in the equation of passing lies completely with the non-
trans person who “passes” us. It is something done to us, not
something we are able to control.)

Fetishization/Tokenization

Yes, it’s true, trans people are all incredibly sexy in our own
unique individual ways, but don’t fetishize and tokenize us. Don’t
tell us how you love FtMs [female to male] because we were
socialized female and therefore we aren’t like “real men.” While
this may be true for some individuals, FtMs are just as diverse as
any other group. Many transmen identify as “real men” who are just
as (or more) masculine than people assigned “male” at birth. Don’t
tell us how MtFs [male to female] are the ideal sex partners because
they are “chicks with dicks.”
Don’t expect any one of us to speak for all trans people. Don’t
assume that you know about trans issues because you once knew a
trans person. If we are offended by something you do, listen,
apologize and reflect – don’t excuse your bad behavior by saying
that your other trans friend didn’t mind. Don’t showcase us as
tokens of diversity in your social circle or annual report, without
being a real friend or truly integrating transpeople into your
organization.

Transphobia + sexism + racism + classism = a big slimy mess

It is a stereotype that all trans people are sexist: that all MtFs
are still “really men” and still have male privilege, and that all
FtMs are becoming men because of their internalized sexism. Trans
people can be sexist towards ourselves and others, but we are not
any more or less sexist than non-trans people. It is not inherently
sexist to be trans. Similarly and unfortunately, trans communities
are just as racist, classist, etc. as the rest of the world, but
not more so. And these dynamics play out in particular ways among
transpeople. Just like some people will tell you all gay people are
white, some people believe that all trans people are white, and that
being trans is just a privilege of white people. Of course it is
easier to be trans (or anything actually) if you are white and have
money, but most gender-variant and trans people are working-class
and poor people of color, because most people in the world are poor
and working-class people of color. Being trans is not
inherently racist or classist.

Age

Don’t be surprised if you or others radically misread a trans
person’s age. It may be amazing to you, but we are used to it, and
probably over it.
A lot of trans people on the FtM spectrum look much younger than they
are, especially if they are not on hormones, are on a low dose of
hormones, or are just starting hormones. Because of this, we may
experience some of the lovely effects of adultism, such as not being
taken seriously, getting carded all the time, and being condescended
to. A lot of people on the MtF spectrum look older than they are, and
experience the delightful effects of sexism, like being treated as
less important because they aren’t seen as young and pretty.

Fascinating trans films/ politics/TV shows/etc

It is really important for people to educate themselves about
different experiences of oppression, however, someone who has had to
deal with that oppression all the time may not want to hear about it,
or process how hard it was for you, as someone not directly affected
by it. For example, when the movie “Boys Don’t Cry” came out, many
many people every day took it upon themselves to try and discuss it
with me, ask me if I’ve seen it, explain how tragic it was and how
hard it was for them to watch as a nontrans person. We have to deal
with transphobia all the time and so we don’t always want to talk
about it.
Check yourself before you bring up the ten latest, most horrifying
transphobic things you heard yesterday – your trans friend may
actually not want to re-experience them with you. If you want to
discuss a movie, book, current event or experience that relates to
trans issues, bring it up with another non-trans person. If a trans
person wants to discuss it with you, they’ll bring it up.

“Extra letter” Syndrome

Gay and lesbian organizations all over the country have added a token
“T” to their names, without doing anything to include trans people
or issues in their organizations. Although queer issues and trans
struggles are interlinked (don’t forget who rioted at Stonewall),
they are very different. For example, access to transition-related
medical care (such as hormones and surgery), and issues of legal
identification (such as changing our names and “sex”) are huge
struggles faced by transpeople, but are non-issues for gay and
lesbian people. As mentioned above, being “out”, which is desirable
in many GLQ spaces (especially white, middle-class ones), is not a
goal of many transpeople. The world of issues around sexual
orientation is fundamentally different than the world of gender, so
don’t assume you are serving us at all by just adding a “T” on the
end of your acronym.
Recognize your own gender uniqueness and how transphobia affects you,
but don’t speak for trans people. Also recognize that within trans
communities, not only is each individual’s experience different,
but each group of individuals’ experience is different from other
groups. Just as you probably wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) ask a gay man
to explain lesbian issues, you shouldn’t lump all trans people
together, because we all have unique experiences and perspectives.
For example, African-American transsexual issues are different from
disabled genderqueer issues, which are different from drag king
issues, and so on. Also, most indigenous cultures have non-binary
gender systems, and many of us identify with our ethnically-specific
gender identities (such as two-spirit, hijra, timtum, fa’afafine,
etc.) that may overlap with, but are distinct from being “trans.”

GOOD THINGS!

There are so many positive things you can do to be ally to trans
people, even if you do not have that much experience with trans
communities.
Start with being honest about how much you know, or don’t know. It is
refreshingly wonderful to hear someone say: “Actually, I don’t know
anything about trans people. I want to support you and respect
you, so please forgive my ignorance. I’m going to start educating
myself.” Almost all of us started out ignorant of trans issues -
even trans people! The important thing is to pro-actively learn more
once you become aware.

Educate yourself and take action!

¥ Look at books, websites, films.
¥ Talk to other non-trans people who know more than you do.
¥ Start an unlearning transphobia group with other non-trans friends.
¥ Help write a non-discrimination policy for your school or workplace
that protects gender identity and expression.
¥ Pay some trans folks to do an educational presentation for your
group or organization.
¥ Especially if you work in a school, faith-based organization,
governmental agency, or a social justice, social services or
healthcare organization, try to integrate trans-inclusive policies
and services.
¥ Work to create bathrooms that are accessible for all genders (for
example, single-stall gender-neutral bathrooms)
¥ Think critically about your own gender and your participation in
the binary gender system.
¥ Reflect on how you can be a better ally to trans people.

Once you have educated yourself, educate other non-trans people about
gender issues. This is so needed and appreciated!! There have been
so many times when people said offensive things to me when
I wished I had a non-trans ally to refer them to. Trans people
shouldn’t have to do all the work. Besides, even though there are
way more of us than you think, there aren’t enough of us to educate
all the hordes and hordes of non-trans people in the world. Also,
it’s a lot harder for us to do this work, because we are
more vulnerable. Helping someone unlearn transphobia usually involves
hearing and sorting through a lot of hurtful crud while people sort
out their feelings about gender.

Interrupt transphobic behavior. This is also usually easier for a
non-trans person to do, because they are not making themselves as
personally vulnerable or a target for retaliation.
For example, correcting other people when they refer to someone by
the wrong pronoun is very important. When introducing people, it is
good etiquette to clue them in beforehand about the language
preferred by any trans people who are present. By this I don’t
mean outing any trans people who would prefer not to be out, but
letting people know how to refer to anyone who might not “pass.”
Simply saying things like, “I’m a lady, he’s a guy,” or “that’s none
of your business,” or “actually, his voice/body/manner is just great
the way it is, and I don’t want to hear another comment about it,”
can save the day.
Above all, talk to your trans friends, listen and educate yourself.
If you are not sure how to best support someone, ask them. If you
are not ready to support someone in the way that they need, don’t
pretend that you are, just figure out what you need to do to get
there.
Starting to be an ally doesn’t require you to be an expert, just be
honest with yourself and take some risks.

Remember:
Gender is a universe and we are all stars.
Transphobia limits and oppresses all of us.
By becoming an ally, you’ll not only have the satisfaction of doing
the right thing, you’ll get to experience your true starry
brilliance.

For more information about intersex issues, visit
http://www.isna.org, the website of The Intersex Society of North
America.